The way some guys see it . . .

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

We like to see your ass in tight pants.If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. If we tell you the truth our ass is in the dog house.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. But we don?t like to look at all that shitty hair on your legs!

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! You?d be better off buying your own damn gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Like "Yes I think she looks good. She hasn?t let her ass get fat like yours."

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or the big tits on that blonde across the street.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides Let it be. Find a hobby that gets your ass out of the house on Sundays.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. The only sporty thing to us about shopping is sitting on a bench in the mall and watching all the young chicks walking by.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. No matter what you drape on your ass will look good on some other female.

You have enough clothes unless it?s all sexy under-ware.

You have too many shoes.

Bitching is irritating.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it! And say it without all those damn tears!

We don't know what day it is. We never will.

Get off your ass and mark anniversaries, or other dates that are important, on the calendar.

Pissing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. As long as we don?t piss on you get over it!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? We really don?t give a shit what shoes you wear.

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. It?s not our fault that when we say "yes" and you expected the answer to be "no" you get your short hairs in a wad.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. We know you?re too dumb to figure things out for yourself.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. If you want sympathy from a man learn the art of giving a descent blowjob and learn to swallow.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor or learn how to turn over and get it from the rear. One way or the other we?re going to get what we need.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it?s a porn film we?re watching during sex.

When you say your oil needs to be checked we figure you are telling us, in a polite way because there?s kids close by, you want a good reaming.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together unless it?s a quiz on how many positions you can get into while our dick is ramming you. No, it doesn't matter how short a quiz. As long as we get satisfied.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All agreements become null and void after 7 days especially if it?s some- thing we said after getting a blowjob.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry get over it. We really don?t give a shit one way or the other.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. We looked at your ass and you liked it!

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

We don?t care where your "spot" is.

Say whatever you have to say during the commercials. We don?t care to listen your whining during a really good tits and ass movie.

ALL men see in only 16 colors.

Peach is a fruit, not a color.

Our favorite color is pussy pink.

If it itches, it will be scratched. If you don?t like to see us scratch ourselves learn to scratch it for us.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Be grateful that we even want to be near your sorry ass before we drink the beer.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying. We don?t give a shit. We just want to shut you up.

Your ex-boyfriend is not an idiot. The fact that he threw your sorry ass out is proof.

Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. It?s not really our fault you don?t get satisfied. If you weren?t so wrapped up in in all that foreplay shit there would be plenty of time for you to get your jollies too!

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

If you even think of touching it you deserve what you find.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

Who gives a shit weather we turn left instead of right just enjoy the scenery.

Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

If you dress like an easy woman, you should expect to be treated like one.

More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. After two months the sex isn?t new anymore and boredom sets in.

If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement since you "never have anything to wear" AND your shit is only good for one evening out anyway.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you but is an indication that we just don?t give a shit what you are thinking.

If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together